BLINDSCENTZ:IN SEARCH OF CONFIDENCE

My second heartversary has come and gone which means I have not seen the light of day for a long time.  Memories and colors have lost their crispness.  I  am adjusting.  The learning curve is steep.

I  think it is difficult for my loved ones and friends to adjust.  They want to protect me and keep me safe.  I  end up feeling disempowered and far to reliant on others for help.  I am fiercely independent.  My physical recovery took 22 months.  My stamina is just returning.  The brain fatigue from constant alertness to my surroundings can reach an overload after a  busy day.

One of my growth strategies is to follow and listen to successful blind people.  I am motivated and inspired by their tenacity to succeed in a world that is not accessible.  To thrive in a world of sighted people that stereotype the blind as helpless and odd.  I  am fully aware that as I navigate my world my slowness, swagger and bumping into things presents as uncertainty and a  necessity to help, manhandle and redirect without soliciting a  request to do so.  My appearance of uncertainty is actually how slow I am at translating my foreign world.  I  used to always tell my employees, accuracy first.  Speed will come.  Wise words.

I  am proud to say that I can navigate the Fort St. John and St. Paul

S Hospitals independently.  It feels so good and boosts my confidence…and then I  get lost a half a block from home. 

This is my homework.  I recently met an experienced guide dog user who purposely gets lost to keep her navigation skills sharp.  I have heard this from others.  Get used to getting lost.  Explore more.  For now, my comfort zone is growing, however I am pretty quick to call for help.

Last week I went out in a heavy rainstorm.  This was a very disorienting experience.  If I could only be a fly on the wall to watch myself.  I find it amazing at how far I can go when searching for a landmark and other times I think I have long passed the mark when am guided to take one more step.  Practice more.  Walk more.  Explore more.

I  am celebrating the wins and finding more independence.  At the same time, I am so grateful for the handful of people that help me with errands and the friends that just are friends.  They give me normalcy and include me.

Some people have stepped back because of their busy lives and or discomfort with my loss.  They could be waiting for an invitation so that is up to me.  It is an exercise to find the boundaries of life and edges of discomfort.  Some days I say that is enough.  I will try again tomorrow.

I  am dreaming what direction to set my compass.  I  have so many skills and abilities.  I  love to be of service.  I love governance and policy.  Ha how boring.  I love leadership.  I love team building community.  I have been volunteering and advocating to help build my digital literacy.  I  am waiting for my new I-phone to arrive.  I cannot believe how much this essential tool costs.  I  bought my first car for less than the new Iphone.

I  do not doubt for one moment that there is an Edwina out there fully confident.  She is navigating the world and airports using all the tech, supports and accommodations available.  For now, it is filling the toolbox one tool at a time.   With a cane you are able!  With a dog you can harness success.  To steal Jonothan Mosen’s tag line.

Edwina Nearhood is a long time Fort St. John resident sharing her vision loss journey.  Please remember, every person’s vision loss experience is as unique as they are.